Just A Girl on mental health
I don’t like my head today. I don’t like the way that it feels, I don’t like the thoughts that I’m having, and I really don’t like the way that it is talking to me right now.
Today my head is telling me that I’m ugly. That I’m fat…..and, horror of horrors, that my depression is coming back….
My depression is coming back….
It’s my worst nightmare.
My head is lying to me. I know that it’s lying to me. I’m looking at a picture of myself taken last week. I know that I’m not ugly. And I’m certainly not fat. But the voice in my head is relentless. And it won’t shut up.
Chatter, chatter, chatter….
I’ve been in control of this for almost a year. I’ve been fine. No, I’ve been better than fine. There is no way that I’m allowing this to happen. This cannot be allowed to happen.
Because if it does, I’m not sure that I know how to stop it. And the consequences of that really don’t bear thinking about.
Depression stops me from functioning. It changes the way that I see myself. It’s already starting to happen.
It magnifies every flaw, and creeps into every tiny chink in my armour. Telling me constantly how rubbish I am. And how much I’ve fucked things up.
Depression makes me not want to shower, change my clothes, brush my teeth. It makes me not want to do anything good for myself.
It’s what put me in hospital.
I’ve been climbing the walls now for six days – It’s not getting better. It’s slowly getting worse.
So far today, I’ve started and stopped writing five blogs. Started and stopped watching two films. Started and stopped reading my book…several books.
I can’t concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. I have the attention span of a gnat. Because all I can hear is my head, and its constant chat, chat, chatting at me.
“Bad girl, naughty girl, ungrateful girl….” My head doesn’t have a single good word to say about me today. And that’s a shame.
Because I’ve got news for my head. Things have changed. I’ve changed….and I’m bored of constantly having this conversation. My head needs to change the record. Because I’m not going down that road.
You see, as of today, Wonderland is closed. My teaparty days are officially over.
So depression can go and fuck itself…..Because Alice has left the building….